Your partner probably won’t be rating you on Google anytime soon, but if they did, wouldn’t you want it to be 5 stars?? Touch can be a profound way to connect with your partner’s body, mind, and spirit. However, it can be intimidating at first, if you don’t know where to start.
Let's address the elephant in the room first, are sensual massages about sex? While they can most definitely be erotic, In our opinion, they're way more amazing when they also include slowness, relaxation, connection, care, and healing! Sensual massages are unique in that they're most likely done with an intimate partner, and can sometimes include the genitals. However, what makes it truly special is that it's about presence, intention, and creating a space for both partners to explore nervous system regulation and deeper intimacy.
Whether you’re using items around the house or taking it a step further with specific tools, this guide will show you how to give an unforgettable sensual massage that nurtures both connection and pleasure.
1. Create the Perfect Setting
The environment you set up is just as important as the massage itself. You want to engage all the senses and help your partner feel fully relaxed. This is an often-skipped step, but luckily, it’s one of the easiest. Here’s how to get started:
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Lighting: Dim the lights or light some candles to create a soft, intimate glow. A low-lit space signals relaxation and helps both partners drop into the moment.
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Aromas: You don’t need a fancy diffuser. You can use essential oils if you have them, or even a scented candle. Creating a mister, with essential oils and water, to use during your session is a great idea. Lavender or sandalwood are great choices to promote relaxation.
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Music: Choose calming music or nature sounds. Even just a soft playlist in the background can help set a peaceful tone. If you use Spotify, they now offer Sensual and Intimate mixes based on your music preferences. Just search “my sensual mix” and it will pop right up!
- Comfort: Lay out a cozy blanket, pillows, or towels on a bed or even a yoga mat. The more comfortable your partner feels, the easier it will be for them to fully relax. If the desire is to be naked, but they are chilly, find a space heater to warm up the space.
If you’re looking for an extra touch, consider introducing a scented massage oil. You can even create your own by mixing a few drops of essential oil with a neutral base like coconut or almond oil.
2. Intention Setting and Presence
When the receiving partner is lying comfortably, start with gently placing a hand on their heart, or maybe holding their head gently between your hands. Ask one or two of the following questions:
- What is alive for you right now in your body?
- How would you like to feel in your body right now?
- If you could hear me say any words to you right now, what would they be?
- What needs healing in your heart?
There’s no need for a conversation at this moment, just listen, make note of what they said, and use that to weave into your sensual massage. Healing words, when combined with touch, can take a “good” massage to a “utterly fantastic” one.
3. Start with Slow, Mindful Touch
Without oil, begin the massage by placing your hands with medium pressure on certain areas of their body to help them start to relax into touch. This is called still touch. Perhaps a few moments on their shoulders, head, thighs or feet.
Take note of what their body and breath are telling you. If their breath is slow and deep, this is a good sign they are relaxing. If it’s shallow or fast, try moving even more slowly and ask with curiosity, are you cold? Is my pressure too hard or too light?
Encourage them to let you know if something doesn’t feel right, and to move around in any position to get more comfortable at any time.
4. Play with Sensations
As your partner starts to unwind, you can introduce a variety of sensations to keep things interesting and immersive before you introduce oil or lotion. Lightly alternate between firmer pressure and gentle caresses, exploring different textures and temperatures. Everyday objects like a chilled spoon, rose petals or a silk scarf can introduce contrasting sensations that keep your partner engaged. Look around and you might be surprised at the many different textures you have available to try!
Whatever object you start with, go very slow. Maybe even slower than what feels right. This allows your partner’s nervous system to relax and really feel whatever sensation you’re introducing. Try mixing it up by massaging with one hand and using some kind of different sensation with the other.
If you’re ready to elevate the experience, consider adding in specialized sensation play toys. Soft fur or feathers can offer unique tactile experiences, while still keeping the focus on relaxation and connection.
Even if you’re simply using your hands, focus on slow, deliberate motions to wake up the skin and senses. Rather than jumping right into kneading knots in their shoulders, think about long strokes on your partner's skin as if firmly smoothing out a wrinkly sheet. That might be a funny visual, but for a sensual massage, long smooth slow strokes, traversing the length of the body will work well. This is a good time to introduce massage oil with essential oils. Using oil after you are finished with the other sensations usually works best because otherwise the different materials can stick to the body.
5. Deepen with Pressure and Focused Touch
Now that your partner is fully relaxed, you can start working on deeper areas of tension. Use your thumbs to apply gentle pressure to the muscles in their back, shoulders, or calves. Keep your movements slow and steady, always checking in with your partner to ensure the pressure is just right. Even without verbally checking in with your partner, see what you can sense with your hands. If they are tensing up or not breathing deeply, it may be that the pressure is too intense. If they are giggly or reacting in a tickled way, they probably need more pressure.
If you’re exploring deeper tissue areas, you don’t need any specific equipment—just your hands and attentiveness. However, if you’d like to explore a deeper sensation, you might want to try using a simple tool designed to mimic the sensation of a firm massage, like a hand-held massager or something you might already have at home, like a rolling pin.
As you move through different parts of the body, make sure your touch remains fluid and continuous. One hand should always stay in contact with your partner to maintain the connection and flow of energy. Even as you switch tools or change positions, never let the moment feel interrupted.
This rhythm is part of what makes the massage feel like an immersive experience. If you’re using household items to play with sensations, alternate between the softness of fabrics or a firmer object. The key is to ensure that the transitions are seamless and natural.
Regardless of what playful tool or toy you decide to reach for, the goal is to stay connected to your partner’s body and energy. Even if you feel out of your depth with massage in general, the most important aspect is how present and mindful you are with your touch.
6. Using Words to Deepen Connection
To make this experience as sensual as possible, try adding in some sweet whispers in your partner's ear. Remember, ‘hearing’ is a very important sense! Many people respond very well to having sweet things said to them, even if it feels silly at first. Try these:
- What could make this even better?
- Thank you for allowing me to worship your body.
- I fall more in love with you every day.
- I see you. I see all the things you do for us every day. (This is a great place to be specific!)
- Remember the answers to the questions you asked earlier? Incorporate them now!
7. Close with Gentle Care
As you wind down the massage, return to soft, soothing strokes. Bring your partner back to a calm state by gently caressing their arms, legs, or back. Consider closing the session by holding their hands, placing a hand on their heart in stillness or lightly running your fingers through their hair.
For those final moments, focus on creating a sense of comfort and safety. The focus here is on slowing everything down and allowing your partner to bask in the relaxed energy you’ve created together.
A sensual massage is more than just physical touch; it’s about creating a deeper connection, cultivating trust, and exploring pleasure in subtle, meaningful ways. If it seems like your partner is enthusiastically desiring more sexual connection, feel free to proceed, however, be mindful that this isn’t just a desire to express “thanks” or “payment” in the form of sex. Sometimes this isn’t even conscious, especially for women. Consider leaving the sensual massage in its own container, without proceeding into sex territory. This approach has long term benefits of creating more trust and depth in your relationship.
When you’re ready to explore more ways to enhance your intimate experiences, our line of sensation tools is designed to take these moments to the next level. But even without them, with just a bit of mindfulness and care, you can create an unforgettable journey of connection with your partner.